In the last month or so I've come to realize that my life is going nowhere. i watch my grandmother fight stage 4 smokers cancer and 3 stroke over the course of 2 years. It help me to quite smoking but it also made me realize what made me happy. Happiness is not material items or money, it's your family it's some one to hold at night some one to make you feel worth while. When you realize that you aren't going to live forever you get kinda sad, when you realize that you don't have anyone to confide in or just a shoulder to cry on it get's even worse and when your young and have to watch two of the closest people that you love die you wounder what is there to life other than death. I sit here typing this down wondering if my life is going to mean anything , if i can find that someone who loves me for me and be stuck in a meaningless relationship to some one i don't love. To be honest i'm at a loss of what i should do i haven't slept right in what seems like years. i can't find a job so that i can help with bill's or food or just put some gas in the flippen car when it needs it i feel so useless it's not funny i'm hungry but i don't want to eat. I wonder if god is really out there or if it's just some darn story that was put together just to some kid in past sleep at night. i pray to something i can't see to help my other grandmother fight her cancer but i don't get a response if that how it works then what the hell am i doing praying to something that won't answer me when i need something to at least take some of the pain. Life sucks e do what we can just to get by, some of use do our best to help our family's, our friends, or other who might need some help, but in the end we forget about us ourselves the one whose happiness just never really happen because he/she cared more about others than them selves and all they get is a silent good bye.i don't care what you think of me or what i post if i did you wouldn't half of this stuff here but i got news for you life isn't always what we want.